I'm really not that old, am I? 36, almost 37 isn't old is it? I've done a couple of dumb things lately... not that they were dumb to do, just dumb for ME to do. One didn't really get to me, the other... Well...
First, everybody gets those stupid "classmates.com" pop-ups. I had gone there before, just to see who's on. No big deal. I really probably wouldn't care to actually get in touch with any of those people anymore. No animosity or anything, just I have nothing more than passing interest, at best, in them now. So I saw the pop-up, I thought about it for a while, I went to the site... I saw "Prepare for your 20 year reunion!" I thought, "20 year reunion"? Wasn't I just 20 years old
a few years ago?
All along I'd been thinking how much experience I had gained in my short lifetime. My lifetime hasn't really been that short anymore. I'm staring down the barrel at forty. OK, I got a grip. Fat and forty ain't so bad. I have a great job for the most part. I have a Jeep that I love. If I applied myself and quit doing stupid things I could actually afford to get a new motorcycle. The days of Budweisers and backroads are behind me, and that's a good thing.
Then there was this other thing.
Did you ever Google someone's name to see if they're out there somewhere? Don't. Just don't. It probably wouldn't have bothered me if it hadn't been for the 20 year reunion, but there you go. I Googled my first true love. The first one that ever made my cold, hateful little heart go all a twitter. I had punched in her name a few times over the years as a lark with no results. The last that I had heard of her was almost ten years ago second hand at a wedding, back when I was still in wedded bliss of my own... or a reasonable facsimilie thereof. There it was, in the cold light of the flat screen moniter, her wedding anouncement... For next month. First it made me sad, then I realized that it didn't make me all that sad, and that
made me sad. It wouldn't have hit me all that hard but for the fact that I screwed it up between us. No one to blame but me. Then, I got a second chance... And blew it all over again. Badly. Painfully. Finally.
You know, I don't think I'd have blinked twice if she had been already married, be it for years or for days. It was the fact that it was about to happen, and soon. I mean, it's not as though I was going to call her and anounce my undying love for her. I'm not even sure I know what undying love is these days. Hell, I haven't even seen her since before she was old enough to drink and she is in her 30's now. She's not the same girl I hurt so many years ago any more than I am the same dumb kid. Because, I sure as Hell am not a kid, nor am I nearly the same. I'm just still dumb.
I used to think that I was going to live forever. Now, I'm afraid that I might. Karen, she's the silver sun,best walk her way and watch her shining,watch her watch the morning come.A silver tear appearing now,I'm crying... ain't I...-James TaylorUPDATE: The Silver Sun
Labels: All About Me