Friday, October 06, 2006

Wisdom Of The Ancients

I used to be a dumb ass. I am now a smart ass. Someday I hope to be a wise ass. Anyone who even remotely knows me knows I can be sarcastic, snarky and flip... Many times in the same breath. I love a good double entendre, a decent pun, a play on words and phrases. I like my wit like I like my martinis: Strong and dry. I love being at a party and making an aside that only one or two people get, it's a special feeling.
I present you with two stories today. Two stories set twenty years apart, and the only real commonality is me and that fact that the other active character was a senior citizen... An actual Wise Ass.

When I was a tender teen I stocked shelves in the grocery store. Back in those days employees were urged to be helpful and interact with the customer. You NEVER pointed and said "over there". At the very least you were as descriptive as possible. "Middle of aisle 7, third shelf from the top, next to the disposable enemas" or some such. Normally you would take the customer to the item, take it off the shelf and hand it to them... but, I digress...
This gentleman, a septagenarian at the youngest, was shuffling down the main aisle of the old A&P. He would stop at the end of each aisle, bend forward, look around the corner and call out "Crisco! Crisss-cooo!"
Being the good little stockboy, I hurried over and said "Sir, Crisco is on aisle 4, bottom shelf, middle of the aisle. (strange what you remember after twenty years) I'll show you if you'd like"
He looked at me kind of oddly, blinked a few times, and then broke into a great big grin. "No son, you don't understand. I was looking for my wife." He leaned forward, placed a wrinkled hand on my shoulder and continued, "Around the house I call her Lard-Ass, but you just can't do that out in public."

The second story happened just recently. I was doing some work for a lady 86 years young. I was putting some things together for her, working on the floor. I assumed she was watching TV while I worked. I squatted down to tighten a bolt and ripped my pants. "Damn." I grumbled "Now I have to walk around all day with a hole in my crotch" Her voice came from right behind me at the door of the room where I was working, "Honey, I've been doing that all my life." (she had to leave the room, I was laughing so hard if she hadn't walked away I would have blacked out from lack of oxygen)



At October 07, 2006 10:29 AM, Blogger Jean said...


At October 10, 2006 7:20 AM, Blogger Kirsten N. Namskau said...

oh my God...oh my God... he, he that was a good laugh.


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