Naked Lunch Specials

Welcome to the first re-occuring theme post on Dead Dog Walkin'. It will be of absolutely no value to anyone outside of the Austin, Tx area, and of very little value to those who do live here... But I will try to make it as informative and amusing as possible.

This first started as a plan to try to get onto a local weekly distribution's staff, get some free meals, and write anecdotes for the locals. (after I write a few, I may still do that) A few of us were discussing (while drinking at the pub) going to strip clubs. I had only gone to a few strip joints in my life, and didn't really care about them one way or another, before I moved down here. My thought was I see women I don't get to sleep with all the time, so, why see them naked. Anyway, Durring this discussion a Simpsons episode was on TV in the background and Bart (using a fake ID), Milhouse, and Nelson came out of a theater showing "Naked Lunch" and Nelson said "I can think of two things wrong with that title." An Idea was born. A bad idea, but an idea none the less. Well now I have a forum. Yes, I know my mother reads this, but if anyone knew I wasn't an angel, it's probably her.

I picked Perfect 10 (was Penthouse) for my first review, because I've been going there for a while, now. It started when a former co-worker told me his step-daughter worked there (as a waitress, you perverts) and that they had Guinness, and she might hook me up with a free pint or two. First time I ever went, I was driving my old Toyota pickup, with no AC, in August. It was roughly 375 degrees outside, and I was driving by. (It's close to home) I went inside and it was cool, and dark and they had beer. The wait staff was friendly and prompt, so I go back every so often, and am treated very well. In fact they now have Guinness on tap, not just the bottle, and I may or may not have had anything to do with that.

PERFECT 10

At first glance Perfect 10 mens club is an imposing building. Once a warehouse, it is now one of, if not the largest men's club in town. Valet parking is optional, but the lot is viewable from Bratton Ln, so if you don't want your wife to know, or you are driving the company vehicle, you may want to park at the back of the lot.

The front entrance is extremely inviting, with big double doors that lead into a wide, open front hall. You can see nothing of the club itself from the entrance, but there are usually a couple of dancers by the front desk at the end of the hall, so there are no illusions as to the type of place this may be. Near the front desk is a case where you can buy T-shirts and a small humidor with cigars for sale. (Yes, you can still smoke at Perfect 10... Because it is outside of the city limits, and still in Travis Co. it lies outside the dreaded Safty Nazi's Smoking Ban... Woo-Hoo!) And behind the desk is a small boutique in which you can buy expensive stripper outfits for your girl at home to hide in the closet and never wear.

After having your ID checked (yeah, like that's happened to me in 10 years) you turn the corner, down a short ramp and into the club proper. There is no cover until 7pm weekdays. At the end of the ramp is a bar... Ignore it. Find a table and make yourself at home, usually the wait staff is impecable, no need to carry your own beer here. The main part of the club is two levels, a lower level in front of the main stage, between two bars (the one at the end of the ramp and one the same size on the other side of the room, and an upper level (three steps up) that surrounds the center back stage. There are two additional stages: one by the DJ booth near the ramp, and and one (that doesn't seem to be used) across from and near the second bar. There is also a small area with couches for those who would like a little more intamacy without paying extra for the VIP lounge or the Champaign room. There are TV's around, usually with ESPN or sports on. The club is rather dark, especially coming in from the hot Texas sun, and the music is... well, eclectic is the nice way to put it. Each dancer on the main stage picks her own, everything from horrible rap to old rock classics to country. At least it's not so loud so you can hear and talk to your waitress.

Side note: the VIP room offers semi-privacy, and the Champaign Room has a huge projection TV that shows the main stage, for those who want privacy and still want to see what's going on up front.

Alert: Bring plenty of cash... there is an ATM, but the fee is $7 to use it. If you use a credit card I am told that it shows up as something innocous on your statement.

I chose a table in the back corner near the VIP entrance (upper level) as I have always prefered to have my back to a wall (gosh that says a lot about my personality, doesn't it?) and waited to see what the Wednesday special would be.

My waitress (one I didn't know, so I could be impartial) was there in less than one song, so there was a minimal wait. First question (as pretty much always) "What can I get you to drink?" Never one to make things easy I replied, "something just like me: cold, dark, alcoholic and slightly bitter" she blinked at me a couple of times then said "Oh, a Guinness" She may have been tipped off by the t-shirt I had on that had the Guinness logo emblazoned across my chest, but she still gets points.

The lunch special was a $2.99 NY strip and fries. Hard to go wrong with a $3 steak, so I jumped on it... Rare to med rare. I had finished my first pint and started on my second by the time the food arrived, but if you've ever seen me drink you'll know that it was a very short wait. I have to admit the steak was better than expected, but not by much. I had envisioned a shoe sole smothered in A-1 sauce. It was a little thicker than that, and the A-1 was on the side. Good flavor even if it was a little tough and cooked med instead of rare. It tasted like a steak. (I hate places that try to cover the meat taste with peppercorns and marinades and sauces) The fries were the best part of the meal however. They were big square cuts, but fried crispy, not at all soggy served with ketchup on the side. (I personally prefer my tomatoes in pill form) The meal also came with a big roll and a little pat of butter. (which I thought was a nice touch) Overall not a bad meal at all, especially when you consider I paid a dollar more per beer than I did for the food.

So, for the breakdown on the standard 1-10 sliding scale:

Service: 10 (fast and effecient)

Food: 5 (biggest deduction for cooking the steak too long)

Atmosphere: 8 (a little too dark for lunch, even with the candle on the table)

Value: 10 (I was out of there for $20 including tip, not bad for a steak & 3 pints of premium beer)

Overall breakdown: 8.25 definately more than acceptable, but not an everyday type thing.

Next week I plan to head down Lamar Blvd to the Yellow Rose.

If you have a club in your area you would like to review (Food only please, my mother reads this) send a write up to alphaknine@hotmail.com and I may post it. Or if you are in the Austin area and have a club you would like me to visit and review, or would like to join me for lunch, just place in comments.