Thursday, April 27, 2006

The End of Immortality

I'm really not that old, am I? 36, almost 37 isn't old is it? I've done a couple of dumb things lately... not that they were dumb to do, just dumb for ME to do. One didn't really get to me, the other... Well...
First, everybody gets those stupid "classmates.com" pop-ups. I had gone there before, just to see who's on. No big deal. I really probably wouldn't care to actually get in touch with any of those people anymore. No animosity or anything, just I have nothing more than passing interest, at best, in them now. So I saw the pop-up, I thought about it for a while, I went to the site... I saw "Prepare for your 20 year reunion!" I thought, "20 year reunion"? Wasn't I just 20 years old a few years ago?
All along I'd been thinking how much experience I had gained in my short lifetime. My lifetime hasn't really been that short anymore. I'm staring down the barrel at forty. OK, I got a grip. Fat and forty ain't so bad. I have a great job for the most part. I have a Jeep that I love. If I applied myself and quit doing stupid things I could actually afford to get a new motorcycle. The days of Budweisers and backroads are behind me, and that's a good thing.
Then there was this other thing.
Did you ever Google someone's name to see if they're out there somewhere? Don't. Just don't. It probably wouldn't have bothered me if it hadn't been for the 20 year reunion, but there you go. I Googled my first true love. The first one that ever made my cold, hateful little heart go all a twitter. I had punched in her name a few times over the years as a lark with no results. The last that I had heard of her was almost ten years ago second hand at a wedding, back when I was still in wedded bliss of my own... or a reasonable facsimilie thereof. There it was, in the cold light of the flat screen moniter, her wedding anouncement... For next month. First it made me sad, then I realized that it didn't make me all that sad, and that made me sad. It wouldn't have hit me all that hard but for the fact that I screwed it up between us. No one to blame but me. Then, I got a second chance... And blew it all over again. Badly. Painfully. Finally.
You know, I don't think I'd have blinked twice if she had been already married, be it for years or for days. It was the fact that it was about to happen, and soon. I mean, it's not as though I was going to call her and anounce my undying love for her. I'm not even sure I know what undying love is these days. Hell, I haven't even seen her since before she was old enough to drink and she is in her 30's now. She's not the same girl I hurt so many years ago any more than I am the same dumb kid. Because, I sure as Hell am not a kid, nor am I nearly the same. I'm just still dumb.
I used to think that I was going to live forever. Now, I'm afraid that I might.


Karen, she's the silver sun,
best walk her way and watch her shining,
watch her watch the morning come.
A silver tear appearing now,
I'm crying... ain't I...
-James Taylor


UPDATE: The Silver Sun

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9 Comments:

At April 28, 2006 7:14 PM, Blogger Jean said...

You think you feel "old" NOW??... wait until (just a few, short years from now)....you start to get subscription offers in the mail from......AARP!!...they start taking your money at 50 now.
As far as your first love reminiscing, wondering if..... just another sign of getting old(er).....So, be careful this weekend..... you are prime for falling "in love"!..... helps to sate your loneliness and make you feel "young" again!..... But, really....37 ain't there yet...:)

 
At April 29, 2006 10:39 AM, Blogger K-nine said...

Feeling old is one thing. Falling "in love", Pfft. Yeah, I was reminiscing a little, but I am not nearly fool enough to think we'd still be together even if I wasn't a dumbass back then. It's just timing. That whole "pirate looks at 40" thing. Besides, don't you always want to find out that your ex, any ex, is fat, poor, and has 14 kids?

 
At May 01, 2006 12:16 AM, Anonymous Well, you just know who would say this said...

Does fat and poor help you any?

 
At May 01, 2006 4:02 PM, Blogger K-nine said...

Help me what?

 
At May 07, 2006 9:08 AM, Blogger Lisa W. said...

Yes, I've done that too - but have never had much luck finding anyone I was curious about.

 
At May 07, 2006 9:09 AM, Blogger Lisa W. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At July 01, 2006 6:30 PM, Blogger Jean said...

Still a beauty..and that's one helluva rock on her finger!

 
At July 01, 2006 7:20 PM, Blogger K-nine said...

Yeah, thanks. I feel tons better now.

 
At July 02, 2006 6:35 PM, Blogger Jean said...

Your time will come.....reading the rest of your posts, sounds like it's been a rough year......
chin up...:)

 

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