The Good Old Days...

...Yeah, I suppose,

I'm glad they're behind us now,

The only thing worse than growing up

Is never quite learning how.

-Absent Minded Melody

How did that become this?

Happy Birthday to me!

Welcome Back My Friends...

To the show that never ends.

We're so glad you could attend,

Come inside, come inside...

-Emerson, Lake and Palmer

So... I've been gone for a while. Almost a year.
Hell, I don't even know if there's anyone out there looking for me anymore.

So much to tell, so much to tell... And there may be no one listening.

I suppose let me sum up the last year, and save the details for later.

Job: Gone.
Old dog house: Gone.
Texas: Gone... Well it's not gone, I am.
Facial Hair: Back.
Cranial hair: Gone.
New wonderful woman in my life: Check.
New dog house: Check.

In fact, I'm blogging this from my antique desk, in my personal second floor study, in our lovely (needs a shit load of work) Victorian home in a small town in North Carolina.

Things to come:

-More political blogging... Much more. Most of it angry.
-A new blog. All about the trials and tribulations of renovating a historic home with a red haired woman, a blue heeler, a bouvier des flandre and an arrogant british short hair cat. Lots of pictures.
-Less tattoos. Sorry, just not as much ink here.
-And a return of the 100 word stories.

That's it for right now, just wanted to say "Hi", so... "Hi!"

Four On The Floor

Four years I've been doing this. I've thought about quitting a few times. That's probably not going to happen. I'd do this even if I had no readers... Which in and of itself is questionable these days.
All I have to say is, "If you're still here, Thank you... You've been a wonderful audience."

It's New To Me

Happy New Year my friends! May 2009 be much better than the previous 12 months... Whether you had a good or bad previous 12 months.

My new year started out right... I checked into the hotel, dressed to the nines and took a stunner (Chestnut hair, sparkling green eyes and freckles in a little black dress) with me to the riverwalk. We had a couple of Shiner black lagers, and a buttery nipple shot apiece. We were trying to make it back to the roof of the hotel to see the fireworks when midnight hit, but didn't quite make it... So we stopped right in the middle of the sidewalk, I bent her over backwards with a big kiss and started the first minute of the new year right.

We then ran to the hotel in time to see the last half of the fireworks over the Hemisfair there in San Antone and finished the evening with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne in the room.

Before leaving SA I met friends at the Lion and Rose pub and had a scotch egg and BLT for lunch.

Jack was glad to see me when I got home and then I slept for 10 hours.

Seems like a good way to start the year to me.

Beat Down And Busted

I know, I know, I've been rather slack about the posting lately. Work has been, to put it mildly, work. I feel as though I'm running behind all the time. Mostly because I'm running behind all the time.

My personal life is much the same as it has been. Eat, drink, breathe...

There are a few things happening that have me kind of excited, but I'll wait until they come to fruition before I say anything. I'd rather be a good historian than a poor prophet.

I suppose the only real news is that I have a busted lip for the first time in ages. Jack the uberhunde is a bolt of lightning disguised in a blue fur coat. We play and run and wrestle like mad dogs.

The other day he managed to hit me in the corner of my mouth with the top of his head, and I came away bloodied. Tough little bastard. The worst part is now that the goatee is gone I have to shave that part of my face every day. At least once every two days I catch the scar with the razor and make it worse. One of these days I'm going to look like a Dick Tracey or Batman villian.

I told you he was trying to kill me.

Old Dog, New Tricks

I used to wake up every morning and think to myself "I am the alpha dog". Whatever was going on in my life was secondary. Somehow over the last couple of years I lost that. I wasn't the alpha... And everyone knows that if you aren't the lead dog the scenery never changes. This is what I got used to seeing in the mirror (except as my friends will tell you the t-shirt was usually black).

Granted, I lost a bunch of weight, but I was the same inside, there was just less of it. I needed a mojo boost. So... I promised change and here it be.

Pinstripes aren't just for the NY Yankees anymore.

I've always been more comfortable in black...
with a little purple for my pirates.

And of course one for the ladies...

We all know you like those pensive brooding types.

I am the alpha dog.

Teaser

Now, I'm sure we're all familiar with some of the changes I've been making in my life.

The day after tomorrow, there will be more. Curious? Me too. You'll just have to wait and see.

Disclosure

I was feeling pretty depressed on Monday. I worked a 12.5 hour shift at work. After I went home, I took my nephew and his wife to Eddie V's on 5th street. We had a great meal and some bourbon... Well, a lot of bourbon... A lot of bourbon. We stayed out until the last bar closed at 2.

At 7am yesterday I rolled out of bed, took an alkaseltzer, brushed my teeth and threw Jack in the jeep.

Before 8 we were at the place I wanted to spend my birthday morning. There is a pool of clear blue water and a little trickling waterfall. No people. I even beat the park rangers there.

I stripped down to my skivvies and dived in the pool. I would have skinny dipped, but it is public land and no one needs to be exposed to that.

Jack and I swam for almost an hour.

Just as I was getting out of the water, I heard a rumbling noise. Then the little trickle of a waterfall exploded into a gushing torrent. In 30 seconds the water went from my knees to my waist. Luckily we were on the same side of the stream as the Jeep because the path across disappeared.

I got out and dressed just as it started to sprinkle. We danced and played in the rain like the heathens we are. A ball washed up stream to us, so I threw it for Jack and he ran across the rocks at full tilt.

It was great. The cold water, the cold rain, the fresh air. It was as though it washed away my sins for a few hours.

After, I took my guests to the Texas Chili Parlor for lunch, we saw a movie, took Jack to the dog park, and on to BD Rileys. We shared pints with friends, Had a late dinner at Hut's Hamburgers (mine was buffalo meat), listened to some blues at Friends and back to the house and bed.

Rabbit an his wife are on their way back to NC and I'm back at work.

Thank you for all your well wishes and birthday greetings. It was a good day.

Once More

...Around the sun.

This has been a fucked up two years. I've tried to write this post three times today, and I'm in such a hurt and nasty mood I've deleted it all three times.

Every time I think I've let go of the pain and anger, I get hit right in the teeth with something. Sometimes it can be as simple as being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Tomorrow morning Jack and I will rise before the sun, and spend the morning in an undisclosed and (hopefully) unpopulated spot. I have given only one person a clue as to where I will be.

I will reflect on the last two years, and how much they have affected and changed my life. I will look to the future and weigh my options, such that they are.

Afterwards, I will come out of hiding and join friends and family. Around 5:30-6:00 I will go to BD Rileys and down a few pints of Guinness and a shot or two of Wild Turkey. Feel free to join me and feel free to buy me a pint. Even if I'm not in a better mood, I'll pretend to be. I've gotten pretty good at pretending to be.

Rabbit Run

Three days till my birthday. Although my birthday curse is already in effect, I'm still cautious and jumpy. I just have a huge feeling of unease.

Earlier in the year I thought, "It's been a rough year anyway, maybe it'll skip this year."

No such luck. Now I'm afraid that maybe it'll hit even bigger this year. Maybe my being nervous and apprehensive is a big part of the curse itself. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really out to get you.

Brighter note: My nephew Rabbit and his lovely bride are in San Antonio this morning and are going to make the drive up to ATX today sometime. I'll see them when I get home tonight, and they'll stay through Wednesday.

I'm looking forward to that. Rabbit and I get along famously, and there will be alcohol consumed, stories exagerated and laughs aplenty.

Tonight I'll take them and the uberhunde (Jack) to the park to see the Stevie Ray Vaughn memorial, we may try to see the Congress Ave bats too, then a meal and a few beers somewhere.

Tomorrow I'll make them a good Texas breakfast and we'll see what they want to do.

Monday it's back to the grind for me, and they'll be on their own for a day. I'm sure they can come up with something to do.

Tuesday is the day I turn 39. The plan is for me to go to an undisclosed location for a few hours in the morning and spend the afternoon and evening hours with friends and family (Probably at the pub)... But I'm terrified that I'm going to have to work. I'm going to fight that as much as I can, but my work ethic defeats me most of the time.

We'll see... We'll see.

Two Week Notice

No, I'm not quitting. Ain't gonna get on that merry-go-round again.

Two weeks til my last birthday. I'll be 39 on Aug 19th, and in the grand tradition of Jack Benny, I'll be 39 from then on. (Probably not, but it seems like a good premise to me)

The plan was that I was going to have my friends roast me for my birthday... And I may still do that, but there seems to be a concerted lack of interest among my friends to get up and do it. Ah, well. Such is life.

My second oldest nephew, Rabbit, Is coming out to TX with his lovely bride. They're going to stay in San Antone for a day or so, and with me for a while too.

This Friday, the 8th, we're having the annual August Birthday Party at B D Rileys Pub. I actually started that several years ago when I asked the owner if I could have a party and a band there. His birthday is also August as is an inordinate number of pub regular's. It became a group thing that I'm proud to still be a part of even though my personal life dictates that I don't spend a lot of time there anymore. So if you're around 6th st. ATX Friday after 5, stop by and I'll let you buy me a pint of the best Guinness in Austin.

My actual birthday is a different story. I'll sneak out of the house around daybreak just as always and spend the morning hours in solitary reflection. Jack will come along this year just as my dogs before him have, but I'm sure he'll respect my boundries. I've already picked the spot.

After around noon, I'll emerge and eat, drink and be as merry as I can. I'll tell you more about it as the time grows nearer, but feel free to come by Friday.

Just A Couple

I really don't mind being single. I never needed someone else to identify myself by. I could live without the heartbreak of becoming single, but in and of itself I don't mind. I do well by myself, but there are a few things I miss... Aside from the obvious.

I miss date night. Whether it was my ex-wife or my ex-girlfriend it was nice to go out to a new resturant and order different foods and try stuff off of each other's plates. Try to do that with one of your buddies and you're apt to lose a hand... And a buddy.

I miss holding hands at the movies. I know it's simple and silly and old fashioned, but I always enjoied the touch of another sentient being. I don't really like going to the movies alone, and try that with... Well, see above.

I miss hearing the door open, knowing that the one I care about is home, and has something to share. It may just be a stupid story about grocery shopping or something, but it doesn't matter because she's there. I hear my door open these days and I'm reaching for my sawed-off pool cue or a firearm, and Jack doesn't talk to me... He rarely even barks.

I miss cooking dinner for someone besides myself. Even if she put salt on everything before she tasted it, or only ate about half of what I made for her, it's nice to look across the table and see someone.

My house stays neat most of the time. There may be a few clothes on the floor next to the bed, mail on the table, and a dish or two in the sink but that's it. I don't seem to live there anymore. It's just where I sleep between work, the gym and the park. I went in my living room to get some CD's and there were cobwebs and a fine layer of dust on everything. I'm glad my nephew and his wife are coming for my birthday. It'll be nice to have some life in my living room.

I don't feel lonesome very often, especially not with Jack around... I just miss things somtimes.

Hide And Seek

First off, I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers. My life is getting better... Personal and Professional.
I'm getting better is more accurate. I still have a ways to go, but I'm working hard on my body so my mind is being dragged along, like it or not.

Because I'm unhappy a lot of the time, I'm a little more cynical than my usual charming self... My sledgehammer personality applied more frequently.
I want to appologise to anyone I've offended or been overtly rude to, here or in person. Accept it, because I won't say I'm sorry again... Once is hard enough for me.
That being said, tomorrow I'm going to take a page from my birthday plan book.
Those who know me, know that on my birthday I dissapear in the morning hours. I spend time in solitude and reflection. Tomorrow morning, I will rise with (or before) the sun. I will walk my 7.5 mile loop, get in my Jeep and drive to an undisclosed location, hopefully devoid of human contact. I will lie in the sun, shut out the world and search for some inner peace.
I have made some huge changes in my life recently. I have had some huge changes made for me recently. I very nearly quit blogging, and now I write more than ever before. I very nearly quit living my life as such, and now it's time to do something about that.

I'll be back Monday.

Letter Into Your Heart

I played football in high school. I only played my senior year, because my sophmore year I weighed 135lbs. My junior year I may have been 150. My senior year I hit 175 and put on some muscle.

I wasn't very good. I could run and hit, but I wasn't destined for the NFL by any stretch... not even as a water boy. I mostly did it for the prestige and the letterman jacket.
I still have my varsity jacket. Red corduroy with a gold letter "A" for my home town on the left breast, my last name and number (67) on the right breast, "V" for varsity on the left sleeve. Cougar paw and my first name on the right sleeve (this was pre K-Nine days). Eastern state championship metal pinned to the cross bar on the "A". I was proud of that jacket, I wore it for a couple of years after high school.
It still hangs in my closet now... Looks just like the day I last took it off.

My high school has changed colors and mascots a couple of times. Years before me they were the Indians... Black and gold. A couple of years after I graduated they became the Hertford County Bears, blue and gold.

I was a red and gold Cougar.

One girl a few years younger than I wore her dad's Indian varsity jacket to school one fall and winter. It seemed (to me anyway) to be very cool back then.

I wrote recently about the fact that I would have made a good dad. I saved that jacket all these years, it was very well taken care of. Only one or two small spots on it, no rips or tears.

I thought that one day, my hip and cool daughter might like to wear it to school. Nobody would know or care that I rode the bench most of the time. It's a vintage championship letterman's jacket. That's cool.

More than twenty years have gone by since I was on that team. Twenty years since that team name ceased to exist.

I have no daughter to wear my jacket to school. I have nobody interested in me enough to want to have a daughter who might want to wear my jacket.

An unfulfilled destiny hangs in my closet. Every few years I pull it out and put it on to see if it still fits, and it does... Then I brush the dust off the shoulders, place it back on the hanger and back in the closet... To wait till the next time I try it on in a year or two.

Packing It In

Well, the stars weren't aligned. Both the dogs I picked were adopted by other people. I've been careful to pay attention to omens lately, so I'm taking this as a sign that now isn't quite the right time for me.

I'm calling off the search, and will just concentrate on getting my life back on some type of level path.

A dog is a great redeemer, and will love you unconditionally... Maybe right now I need some conditions.

I still need to finish my weight loss and fitness goal. I still need to figure out what to do in my professional life. I have a long way to go emotionally too.

Self control and moderation have never been my strong suit. I need to grow up a little more.

The only dog I need to train right now is the one who looks out of the mirror at me every day. I guess we're going to find out about old dogs and new tricks.

Blood Type

Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. -William Butler Yeats

I was dwelling on the fact that my friend called me a thug... Yes, that's right, my friend.

I suppose I am, to a certain extent. I can be rather blunt at times... Most times. My personality can, on occasion, make a sledgehammer look like a precision surgical instroment.

I've been going through a rough patch recently... You'd have to be fairly dense not to have noticed it.

Maybe this is my natural state... This is what I am. My life is long stretches of unhappiness, or at the very least drudgery, broken up by brief times of contentment.

Allow me to quote a few of my friends and aquaintances:

"Honey, you are the darkness"

"You are more of a thug"

"You make your own situations, it's dark, but it's comfortable"

"You're never really happy unless you're miserable"

I suppose I have to accept it. I am what I have made myself into. I have this little black cloud of my own design, and I wear it like some dark crown. I'm not down and hurt... I'm reverting to type.

Doggie Daddy

Father's day is coming up. I miss my Pop. I wonder how different my life would be were he still alive. Probably not much. A few bumps here and there might've been smoother... but who knows?

I like to think I would have made a good dad. I think that if I had had a child I might've straightened up a little sooner, and I'd have done all right.

I'm good with kids. Children and animals have always been drawn to me for some reason. I sure don't have a lot of wisdom to impart, but I know a thing or two.

I know how to throw a ball. I can make a kite from stuff lying around the house. I can fix most anything. I know how to make a wicked paper airplane. I know how to talk without yelling, but I know how to yell when it's necessary. I know how to teach, and not make it seem like a lesson.

In fact, I've done all those things with other people's kids.

I sometimes regret that my ex and I never had kids. Then I remember how it ended and that goes away pretty quickly.

Both my brothers made good dads. One didn't make a very good husband, but I'm not the one to cast that stone.

Pop was fifty when I was born, so I suppose pushing forty leaves me some time, but there were four more ahead of me so there's a lot of room for doubt.

Not to mention that as a man I need at least one other person of the opposite sex to assist me. None of those up my sleeve.

By myself I don't even have time for a dog , what the Hell would I do with a kid...

I would have made a good dad though. I'm sure of it.

Worked Up

So, the gym opens at 5:30. I roll out of bed at 6, slip on some sweat shorts, a t-shirt and sneakers to head downtown. I park, walk a block, get to Gold's to find out that 5:30 is just weekdays. They open at 8 on Saturday and 10 on Sunday. Well this just won't do today. I planned on being at work by 8:30 (and I am). I went back home did my pushups and curls, then got ready for work.

Sooooo... Personal debate time. Do I work out tomorrow? Sunday is one of my 7 mile walk days. Or do I start Monday and go M W F? I have to consider that Wed is also a 7 mile day. I hate when I'm on a roll and I get sidelined by outside influnces.

The good news is (and I promise after this I'll lay off the weight loss stuff) I'm down not one, but TWO notches in the belt.

Good As Gold

Well, not mentally, but... I'm down to a fighting weight of 190 and have kind of plateaued there. I've brought my food intake back up to a more normal level, but am still keeping it healthy.
I received a few alarmed emails and phone calls from people checking on me, so here's a general announcement. I'm NOT dying. I have no dread disease, I'm not losing weight because I have to nor because I'm sick. My mental state is due to outside factors in both my personal life and my work situation.
Physically I'm healthy as a horse. I'm just tired of being the same size as a horse (regardless of my resemblance to the rear end of one).
The earth fell out from under me last month. Usually if I had problems in one area of my life I'd concentrate on the other. Both went kablooie at the same time this time.
Work is better, and if I can work it out may end up being a great and wonderful (not to mention lucrative) thing for me. If not I may have to start my life completely over. Again.
My personal life is in a shambles. It pretty much has been since I split with my ex-wife seven years ago. I thought I finally had all my shit in one sock (To quote the late, great Acidman), but I was wrong. Again.
In the past when faced with adversity I'd climb into a bottle, don my armor made of hate and anger, and fill the hole in my life with vitriol. I almost did it again.
On May 9th I sat down at the bar and had a shot of Turkey 101 and a Guinness. I was loud and angry and unhappy. One became two, and so on.
I couldn't do that again. I did that for three years and more when I first moved here.
Monday I went for a walk to clear my head. Over the next four miles I came up with the plan I'm on.
This morning I did a little consultation and orientation at Gold's Gym. Starting Saturday and three days a week from that point on I'll be working out. I havn't been a gym member for 20 years. I never was much of a self motivator when it came to that type of thing.
Well, Self, pay attention this time.
I may be a head case, but I'll be an in shape head case.

Thank you for all the support, comments and e-mails. They mean so very much to me... Thank you, thank you. Every little bit counts.

Less Of Me To Love (Or Hate)

No words needed.

UPDATE:

I guess there is some clarification needed here. I used the March picture because I didn't have anything more recent. I had my last drink of alcohol on May 9th. My last Pepsi on May 11th. Started walking on May 12th. In 9 days I dropped from over 220lbs to 195. On the 10th day I was at my current weight of 190. Come Mon the 26th I'll add situps to the mix for some definition.